Gabe Newell Punches Goat, Sentenced To 10 Years In Prison

Gabe Newell Punches Goat, Sentenced To 10 Years In Prison

On a recent trip to Romania to celebrate their 22nd wedding anniversary, famous game developer and president of Valve Corporation Gabe Newell was seen assaulting a goat. 

The crime took place in Dobrogea Romania, home of one of the largest goat farms in the world. By suggestion of his wife Lisa, the two went to the farm as part of their anniversary trip through the Romania countryside. While watching his wife feed the goats, Mr. Newell drew the attention of one particular goat named Gordon. While Gaben wasn’t looking, the young goat had managed to reach into his pocket and pulled his phone out with his mouth. A few moments later, the Harvard dropout reached for his phone to take his wife’s picture, only to find it missing. It only took the former Microsoft employee but a moment to identify the culprit. In a blind rage, the human meme struck Gordon in his face, described by witnesses as “pretty bad-ass, you know, for a 50-year-old programmer. Not at the Liam Neeson level, but still.” Moments after the gruesome assault, a Romanian police officer arrested the Gabe-man on the spot.

As it turns out, hitting a goat is considered a very serious crime in Romania, punishable with 10 years in prison. The law was made famous by Capra Lovind, a famous revolutionist who did so to protest the aristocratic farming monopoly by wealth noblemen. As he was being dragged away by the polices, Newell-San struggled to escape, screaming “The prick ate my goddamn iPhone, how does this make sense?” as he was pushed into the police car. A trial date has yet to be set, but Gabe “I made Half-life pay me” Newell will be spending the next few weeks in a Romanian prison cell, surrounded by the various violent criminals the country has to offer.

Gordon’s owner Mr. Grecu has stated that he will be pursuing the charges to the fullest extent of the law, stating “I don’t care who that fat-ass is, he deserves the guillotine for hurting my sweet Gordon.” With most of his legal help located outside the country, Gabe “The One Who Really Broke The Internet” Newell will likely be found guilty and placed in one of Romania’s toughest prisons, Macro-hardy, named for its 20 foot walls surrounding the prison. Goat Punchers are considered the worst of the worst, so the programmer will likely face regular beatings by his fellow Cow Tippers and Pigeon Mockers. Even If he does get an early release, the Romanian Government will not allow him to leave by plane, as he will be considered a flight risk. We will have to wait to see if the man behind the crowbar Newell be able to survive his time in the land of the goat-kings.

Official Press Release of Gabe Newell Punching a Goat

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!

For more news on this serious tragedy, stick with us at Goatsphere.

Source- CNN News

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